JOKES

JOKES When I was young I didn't like going to weddings. My grandmother would tell me, "You're next" However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road. So he picked it up and took it to the local police station. He said to the policeman: - I found this penguin on Hietzinger Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it? The policeman looked at the man and said: - It's obvious what you should do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo. The man said: - Of course, I'll take it to the zoo. -And he left the police station with the penguin under his arm. The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said: - I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo? The man replied: - Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House.

- Mom, mom, I have two news, a good and other bad news. - Say to me first the good news. - I have left the drugs. - Congratulations, and the bad one? - That I can't remember where.

In the restaurant. — Waiter, waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? — By the looks of it, Sir, the breast stroke!

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? - Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.

After a half century of marriage, he died. Small after, she also died. In sky she finds her husband and runs off to him and said: - Dear! I'm glad to meet you! You will be able to spend eternity together! And he responds: - Nooo, Cristina!, The deal was clear: Until the death do us part!

A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all." So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?" God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes." The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?" God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents." The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?" God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son. Just wait five minutes!"

So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for! There are 365 days this year. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 5 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!